Monday, July 27, 2009

Andy Warhol was off by 14:45

I'm out here posting because the woman who promised to love, honor, and hold the remote is in the other room watching Showbiz Tonight on CNN or Headline News or whatever. So I decided to write something, anything, to avoid hearing one more thing about Michael or Jon and Kate or Hulk Hogan's fucking divorce. In a way, I'm glad because I've had a mental block the last couple days that's kept me from writing anything worth a shit.

What is so damn amazing to the unwashed masses about the private lives of anyone? Why should I care who gave Bret Michaels an STD? (Editor's note: The veracity of the claim that Bret Michaels received an STD from anyone remains to be proven. To our knowledge, Mr. Michaels has never had an STD.) .... Sorry, the editors had to muck about in my column. I don't know for sure if he ever had clap, but touring at least 200 nights a year times at least six groupies per band member: you do the math.

But we have become a nation of voyeurs. I can't say that I have never watched a reality television show, because I honestly don't know. I may have and not remembered. But I do not purposefully set out to watch anything, not the Real World, not American Idol, or any of those. I feel it cheapens us as a society. And we have cheapened ourselves enough already.

Friday, July 24, 2009

Happy Birthday Mom

Yesterday was my Mother's 86th birthday. I know this because I called her last night just to see how she was, and she reminded me of the fact. But I've been thinking of everything she has gone through, and she's gone through a lot.

When she was a kid, seeing an airplane in the sky was a big thing, because there just weren't many flying around northeastern Ohio at the time. This usually signaled the fact that a "Barnstormer" was coming through, and if my Mom and her friends were lucky, he would land at a nearby farm field and offer rides for a nickel.

She has witnessed the bombing of Pearl Harbor and the horrors of World War 2, the "police actions" in Korea and Viet Nam, and two wars in the Persian Gulf and Iraq.

She saw the World Trade Center built, and then saw it destroyed by terrorists.

She watched as Neil Armstrong put his foot on the moon for the first time. At a time when space shuttle launches are so routine we hardly even notice, we tend to forget that for some people, space travel was a science fiction dream. My mother would not have believed growing up, that someday this would all be possible.

She saw the advent of the personal computer. I cannot forget the smile of wonderment on her face as I showed her how she could find and communicate with anyone in the world instantly, or find a website with information she always wanted to have. It was like watching a child discover something on his own.

Just like space flight, computers were something undreamed of when Mom grew up. That was Dick Tracy stuff.

She has lived under 16 Presidents. She grieved with the nation at the assassinations of JFK, Bobby Kennedy, and Martin Luther King.

She has witnessed the struggles for equal rights, first by African-Americans, now by gays. Though she could not make the trip, as she had a house full of kids, she figuratively stood by the protesters in the Birmingham bus boycott, spurred by Rosa Parks, the civil rights marches in the south, and the 1963 march on Washington, where Martin Luther King gave his "I have a Dream" speech. Ironically, though she was born and raised in Canton, Ohio, she spent most summers of her childhood in the Deep South. She was familiar first hand with the evil of racism.

All this she has seen. The technological advancements in her lifetime have been astounding, and, in 1923, unimaginable.

In fact, the technological achievements of the past 200 years have been greater, come faster, and changed our lives more than the technological advancements of the genus Homo Sapiens in all the millenia prior to the 18th century.

Now, those technological achievements are seeming to put our very existence in peril; whether through nuclear attack by a rogue nation or a terrorist group bent on our destruction, or through global warming and the greenhouse effect. But as a species, we are equipped with the intelligence to stop those threats, if only we would take them seriously.

I'm not here to preach about global warming OR terrorism/rogue states. We get enough of that from politicians. I'm just pointing out the distance we, as a people, have traveled. And I am awestruck that my mother lived through the fastest of the fastest technological advances in history.

Happy Birthday Mom (a day late).

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Those Steadily Depressin' Low Down Mind Messin' Workin' At The Car Wash Blues

I have been broke for about 4 weeks now. Having depleted my initial unemployment claim and two extensions, I now have to apply for a final, 20 week extension. As a condition of this I must agree to submit applications to at least three OPEN positions per week (as if I can find three open positions here), and accept any job offered at minimum wage or above. To this I agreed, I am more than happy to accept any job.

Here's the problem though. I submitted my application for this special extension of unemployment benefits on July 1. I was supposed to be able to file claims within 21 days, that being the amount of time necessary to get my name into the system. Twenty-one days from the First would be July 22. July 22 has come and gone, and still I could not file a claim.

So, I took myself down to the unemployment office this a.m. to find out why I can't get my claims filed. I have a very understanding landlady, but I'm sure she is more frustrated than I am. Not to mention we're short of food on a regular basis.

The woman at the local unemployment office could not explain why I wasn't in the system yet, and assured me that if I just give it time, it will happen. That's when I asked for the phone numbers for HQ in Indianapolis. As it turns out, the first number I had was worthless; I got the usual automated runaround. The second number I was given, though, gave me an option to speak to a representative. After being on hold for about seven minutes (not too bad, considering), I was able to speak to a live person. I explained my situation, and was assured that if I just gave it time, it would happen. So, if you're following along, I waited seven minutes on hold to be told the same thing I was told at my local unemployment office. Wow. We're making progress now.

So, what does one do when all avenues for recourse are dead ends? In my case, I go over their heads. I called 411 and asked for the offices of "My Bitch" Mitch Daniels. I asked the gentleman who answered the phone at the Governor's office if I could speak with Governor Bitch, I mean Mitch, and was informed I would have to make an appointment. So I asked to leave a message. The gentleman then transferred me to a young woman who was, as far as I can tell, chief message-taker to the Governor. This time, when I asked to leave a message, I was able to. This is the message I left with the young lady:

"Since I filed for an emergency unemployment extension on July 1, and the 21 waiting days are over and I still am unable to collect any benefits, kindly let Mr. Daniels know that he should expect about 4 rooms of furniture and 3 more occupants in the Governor's Mansion, since he can now care for my family." (I swear on my mother this is true.)

That seemed to generate some activity. I was transferred to the Governor's liaison for Workforce Development, who got my information and assured me that she would do what she could for me.

When I was done with this conversation, I didn't really expect much. I mean, I'd been told twice, "Just be patient, it will happen". What was the Governor's liaison going to tell me? "Be patient, etc...." Except within five minutes I received a call back from the very same woman telling me that by tomorrow I should be able to file claims. It still remains to be seen, but I'm betting that this time I'll get some action.

The moral of this story: ALWAYS go over their heads. You might piss people off, but if you really want it done, talk to the people with influence.

I still won't vote for Daniels. But at least I got one good thing out of him.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Music Trivia Answers

1. On the Byrds' "Eight Miles High", Roger McGuinn's opening guitar licks were inspired by what legendary jazz sax man? John Coltrane from the song "India"

2. In 1977, Elvis Costello made his first appearance as musical guest on Saturday Night Live. Early in the show, Costello and his band, The Attractions, performed a song which went well. However, in his later appearance, Elvis did something that frustrated the NBC censors. What did he do? The band started playing "Less than Zero". After a few bars, Elvis yelled "Stop, stop" and directed the band to play "Radio, Radio". They had been told not to play that song because it was an indictment of the radio industry's practice of only airing a small set of artists' material (which is still in practice today). This sent the censors into a fury, and pissed off Lorne Michaels, SNL's producer. Elvis Costello has never appeared on SNL since.

3. Which is the greater distance: the Highway to Hell or the Stairway to Heaven? (answer in miles and kilometers, show your work) As it's easier to get to Hell than Heaven, I hold that the Stairway to Heaven is longer. Credence must be given, though, to Camille's contention:

"As there are no stop signs nor speed limit (and no mile markers, I checked) on the Highway to Hell, I submit that one can arrive there in a more timely fashion, especially since there are two paths one can go by to the Stairway to Heaven, but in the long run, you still have time to change the road you're on."

4. Steely Dan's "Kid Charlemagne" was written about a chemist and producer of high quality LSD. What was his name? (last name only is acceptable) Oops, I screwed up. Owsley was his FIRST name. Owsley was what I was looking for, and both contestants answered Owsley Stanley III. Great job, kids.

5. What is the unofficial fight song of the Ohio State Buckeyes? "Hang on Sloopy" by The McCoys

6. Rock and sports are inextricably intertwined. For example, Red Sox Nation's national anthem is the rock & roll classic "Dirty Water". Name the band which recorded the song. Bonus point: Name the band which recorded a 1981 cover of the song, substituting London for Boston as "my home". First version was recorded by The Standells. The cover was done by The Inmates.

7. What was Prince talking about in "Little Red Corvette"? Her vajayjay.

8. This journeyman keyboardist, from MY home town, was already a well-known and well-respected session man when he landed a gig as piano player for Crosby, Stills and Nash. Who is he? Michael Finnigan. And he does, in fact, have whiskers on his chinnigan.

9. Which pioneering rock & roll DJ can be heard at the start of "Cleveland Rocks"? Bonus point for naming the artist who sang it. The old Moondog, Alan Freed

10. What does NRBQ stand for? New Rhythm and Blues Quartet, THE most under-appreciated band in rock and roll history

11. What's the deal with Amy Winehouse? I don't know, but she's still sexy. (I dig trashy chicks, what can I say?)

12. Name the original drummer and bassist for The Beatles. Drummer: Pete Best Bassist: Stu Sutcliffe

13. "Sunday Bloody Sunday" by U2 is about what event? January 30, 1972, Derry, Northern Ireland. 27 civil rights protesters were massacred by a contingent of the British Army.

14. Name the band that recorded "Ride Captain Ride". Blues Image

15. What was the name of the farmer who allowed his land to be used for the original Woodstock Music Festival? Max "I'm a farmer" Yasgur. The coolest old man ever.

16. This pioneering electrical engineer had already secured immortality through his work. Now, sadly, his name will forever be linked with '80's bad hair metal. Who is he? Nikola Tesla

17. The Beach Boys "borrowed" the melody for "Surfin' USA" from an early rock & roll legend. Name the man and the song. Chuck Berry "Sweet Little Sixteen"

18. Who invented the synthesizer? Robert Moog

19. Speaking of synthesizers, Pete Townshend of The Who was experimenting with one when he wrote "Baba O'Riley". What data did he use for input to the synth? This question was difficult to phrase correctly to get the idea across; consequently, I got correct answers, just not the answer I was gunning for. Townshend wanted the song to be a tribute to the philosopher Meher Baba and musician Terry Riley. He fed the life information of Baba into a synthesizer, hoping that the resulting musical output would be the backing track for the song. It didn't work as planned, and Pete eventually played the melody on a Lowry Berkshire Deluxe TBO-1 organ. Because of my inability to phrase the question correctly, all answers were accepted as correct.

20. This funk band had hits with songs like "Cut the Cake" and "Pick Up the Pieces". Who were they? Average White Band

21. "Buster Poindexter" had a hit in 1987 with "Hot, Hot, Hot", which became an embarrassment for Buster's alter ego. Who was he, and what was the name of the glam band he fronted?
David Johansen, The New York Dolls
22. What did Sinead O'Connor do to piss so many people off in 1992? She tore up a picture of Pope John Paul II on SNL, saying "fight the real enemy" as she did. She suffered the same fate as Elvis Costello, being banned from ever appearing on Saturday Night Live. Her action proved to be rather prescient, though, as in the ensuing years, scores of priests have been revealed to be pedophiles and the Catholic Church has been forced to pay out millions of dollars. Sinead O'Connor 1, Catholic Church and SNL 0.

23. An OLD Old School rapper warned "Don't push me 'cause I'm close to the edge." What did he call himself and what did he call his posse? Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five

24.Gerry Rafferty is best known for two songs, one he recorded solo, and an earlier one with his former band. Name both songs and the band. Stealers Wheel, "Stuck in the Middle With You", solo "Baker Street"

25. According to Jay and Silent Bob, this is "the greatest band in the land". Bonus point for using the correct adjective. Morris Day and the Motherfucking Time. "Don't you ever say an unkind word about the Time. Me and Silent Bob model our whole lives around Morris Day and Jerome. I'm a smoooooth pimp who looooooves the pussy, and Tubby here is my black manservant. What?"

26. Why is "Dexy's Midnight Runners" an exercise in redundancy, and what was "Come On Eileen" really all about, anyway? Dexys and Midnight Runners were both nicknames for speed, therefore the band name is redundant. "Come on Eileen" as far as I can tell, refers to the narrator pulling out and ruining Eileen's dress.

27. Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds......a picture your kid drew? Really? You're sticking with that one, huh? Yeah, we're sticking with that one.

28. In this quiz, as I explained before, everyone's a winner. But "Every 1's a Winner" was a chart-topper for what band? Hot Chocolate

29. Mark Wahlberg the actor or Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch?
I hate to say it, but Wahlberg has proved to be a very good actor. God forgive me.

30. What was Dusty Springfield's biggest hit? Son of a Preacher Man

Extra Credit: Which songwriting duo has had the most influence on modern music: Elton John/Bernie Taupin or John Lennon/Paul McCartney? Use logic and facts to back up your argument. Spelling and grammar count. NOBODY tops the Beatles as far as influencing modern Rock and Roll. And Metallica can kiss my ass. They suck.

I hope you all enjoyed the quiz. Thanks for playing.

BTW: I need addresses to send the CD's. You both have my e-mail address. Thanks.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

On The Other Hand...

It's better than it seems.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Tech Support:

Last year, I took a class to gain CompTIA A+ Certification. Basically, what that means is that I have achieved the lowest rung on the IT professional ladder. I am qualified to repair computers. Unfortunately, that and a buck-fifty gets me a cup of coffee. I can't get work because employers require at least one year of experience in the field. I can't get experience until I get the work. It's a Catch-22. I cried and pissed and moaned about this for a couple weeks, then figured, hey.... I'll just go it solo. So, I got flyers out and posted an ad on Craigslist, trying to keep this thing underground and off the radar of the IRS. As of today, I have done.......absolutely nothing. Just my luck.

So, what to do? Well, here's something: Many people don't have access to the information that I did, and, being a generous soul (kaff, kaff), I feel compelled to share the knowledge I have with others.

Don't worry, this isn't going to be a regular thing here. That would be really boring. And I may be disseminating information that the reader already knows. After all, the information is out there if you look, and there are plenty of magazines available at the local supermarket about computers as well. So if you already know this stuff, great. Stop reading right now. If not, read on, and I'll try to give you something useful.

The most important thing I can tell you is to back up your data. I say this from experience: a couple years ago, my hard drive crashed. Windows would not boot, even with help from Microsoft tech support. I was on the phone with the Microsoft guy for over three hours, and still nothing. I wouldn't have been so upset had it not been for the over 8,000 music files I had spent the previous 5 years collecting from various peer-to-peer sources. Yeah, I pirated music. And I still do. So sue me, RIAA. Like a stupid noobie, I had not even thought of backing up my hard drive. 8,000 songs. Gone. And you know how much I love music. Some of the most obscure tunes you could name, I had. And lost.

There are plenty of applications which make backing up your data easier. I can't recommend one over the other, because I haven't tried them all. A simple Google or Bing search can lead you to several options. Windows has a backup utility included in its software; however, if you use XP the backup is not on the basic install. You must insert the Windows XP install disk, and find the installation files for Windows backup. To learn more about the Windows backup application, read this article.

Must Have Applications

There are many applications available to make your computer run better, and safer. The first app I would recommend is
Ad-Aware from Lavasoft. Regular use of this will rid your pc of adware, malware, and other malicious pests which are placed on your computer by various websites. An alternative to Ad-Aware is Spybot, which performs the same tasks. I have both apps on my pc, but if you do this, be careful. Spybot may recognize Ad-Aware as a malicious application, and vice versa.

Now, let's talk about anti-virus programs. Your ISP probably came bundled with either McAfee or Norton anti-virus, and both are satisfactory for the task. If you don't have either, I recommend either Avast orAVG. Both are free, and both are light years ahead of McAfee or Norton. If you have the money and want the best anti-virus going, I would recommend PC-Cillin from TrendMicro. TrendMicro also has valuable tools such as Hijack This, which I have found to be very useful.

Another good application is Web of Trust, or WOT. WOT is a website rating system that warns you when you are trying to access a website with a poor reputation. Its rating system consists of a green light for sites which are safe, a yellow light for sites which are questionable, and a red light for sites which are malicious. If you try to access a red light site, WOT will actually redirect you to one of its pages warning you and giving you the option to get out of the site immediately. I follow its recommendations religiously.

You will also need a firewall. A firewall prevents hackers from gaining access to your files or hijacking your PC. Again, your ISP should have provided you with a firewall, and Windows has its own, although you will have to activate it. If you're looking for something with more muscle, though, I recommend Comodo or Black Ice.

That is the basic package. There are other utilities and apps that you may find interesting, but are not necessary. Ccleaner, or "Crap Cleaner" does just that. When you run ccleaner, it removes all the useless files and partial files that are cluttering up your system. CCleaner is free to download and use. Anti-Keylogger protects your pc from spyware and malware, specifically targeting those programs that would invade your privace by keylogging, or tracking what you input on your pc. Anti-Keylogger is free to try, but you must purchase it after the trial period.

That should get you on your way to a safer and cleaner computer.

NOTE: There is one thing you should avoid. Many pop-ups and ads try to get you to download a registry cleaner. While a registry cleaner is a good idea, it's only a good idea for people with intimate knowledge of computers and how they work. I won't even try to mess with the registry on my pc. Yes, many programs that you install and later uninstall will leave files on your registry. However, those files are so small they take up very little space on your hard drive. And if you delete the wrong files from your registry, you just turned your computer into a very expensive paperweight. I cannot stress this enough: DO NOT FUCK WITH YOUR REGISTRY.

I hope I've helped.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Indulge Me In A Little Navel-Gazing: Or, Am I Really An Asshole, or Just Naive?

In the movie "Bull Durham", Susan Sarandon's character Annie Savoy says, "The world was made for those not cursed with self-awareness." If you don't understand what that means, stop reading right now, and return to your life of good fortune. If you understand, well, you understand. In contrast to Annie Savoy, another great philosopher, Socrates, tells us that "The unexamined life is not worth living."

Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right; here I am, stuck in the middle with you.

I've been trying to write this for several days, getting three or four paragraphs in and then scrapping the draft. My adviser, Huffington Post's book The Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging, tells me that a good blog post need not be perfect, just timely, and a blog needs constant updating, at least one post a day. Well, I am not going to argue with one so successful as Arianna Huffington, but I am not so confident in my writing as to just post any garbage that comes to mind.

But I digress (I'm beginning to see a pattern here). We were discussing philosophy. I am one of those Savoy describes as "cursed with self-awareness". I cannot get through one day without examining my life and every move I make in infinite detail. But somehow, I manage to do all this without any awareness or regard for those closest to me. Often, they know me better than I know myself.

I was reminded of this a few days ago, when the woman who promised to love, honor, and tolerate reminded me of an errand I needed to do for about the 10th time. Me: I know, I know, why do you always keep reminding me of stuff I already know I have to do? It makes me feel like you don't trust me to remember anything. She: I feel like I have to remind you because all your life you have never been able to follow through on anything important.

Wow. What a revelation. She was able to state to me something that I have never been able to identify by myself. And she was absolutely right. I have never completed anything, never seen anything through to its logical conclusion.

And..... I have no way to finish this article. What are the odds? The very frailty to which I am admitting is asserting itself even as I document it.

The impulse to introspection is strong with me, to get back to the point. Perhaps it goes back to my childhood. I never spent much time playing with friends; I had a hard time making friends, to be honest, and I still do. So I spent a lot of my time as a child reading the World Book Encyclopedia. I think that's where I got my fondness for trivia. I would just pull a volume from the shelf, open it up, and read about the first thing that caught my interest. While you may think that this would make me wise, it in fact did not. I have no common sense whatsoever. I possess a veritable warehouse of knowledge in my mind, which made me a valuable partner for Trivial Pursuit, but did me no good whatsoever in the real world. I call it "Jeopardy Smart".

So there you have it: I'm a self-centered, self-contemplating, selfish bastard who has no real social skills, no street smarts, and no clue how to read my spouse. So you tell me: am I an asshole or just naive?

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Viewer Discretion Advised

Warning: This posting contains material that some may find offensive, blasphemous, sacrilegious, or irreverent. I do not apologize for that. God has a sense of humor; how else do you explain Ted Haggard? I recommend you get one too.

I've been seeing a lot of ads on TV for Scientology lately. This is strangely alarming, though not at all unpredictable. These are difficult times, frightening times, and people are looking for something, anything, to help them through troubling times. And in an era of 10,000+ member evangelical megachurches led by hypocrites (see Haggard, Ted), one more way to fool the people isn't going to make much difference in the long run.

All this has got me to thinking (never a good idea): When you really think about it, is Scientology as a religious concept any more far-fetched than Christianity? Well, let's take a look.

Scientology

I'll be honest: I understand Scientology way less than I understand Christianity, and I don't understand Christianity very well at all. To further complicate matters, I keep getting Scientology mixed up with the backstory for Superman. But to the best that I can explain it, here it is:

A long time ago, a race of aliens boarded a spaceship, led by Jor-El, leaving the planet Krypton on their way to colonize Earth. Upon arrival, for some reason Jor-El dumps them all into a giant volcano, killing all the aliens. Their souls, however, escape the inferno and inhabit early hominids, causing evolution (good) and, eventually, the career of Tom Cruise (bad). Our job is to recognize that our souls are made of Kryptonite, and all become roadies for Three Doors Down.

Christianity

Roman-occupied Palestine, ca. 3 B.C.E.:

God knocks up a virgin, then skips out on child support. No reliable paternity test exists at the time, so a bachelor carpenter named Joseph (read: old, gay, ugly, or any combination thereof) decides to marry the girl (Mary) to save her from the disgrace of bearing a fatherless child, and so they can call the kid Jesus instead of Little Bastard. (In another Bible verse, the child is to be named Emmanuel, but since that's already the name of a soft-core porn star, they go with Jesus, which is really just a Hellenized form of Joshua.) Joseph fades into the background of the story after this, because really, the girl's first boyfriend was the Almighty, and who wants to keep hearing that? "Well, Yahweh never had any problem with premature ejaculation!" If you've ever dated a Jewish girl, Oy Vey, you know what I mean.

Anyway, the happy couple are on a road trip, maybe following the Grateful Dead, I don't know, and Mary goes into labor. She can't get a room, so she gives birth in a goddamn horse stall, plopping the kid into a feed trough. Apparently, adequate health care was an issue then, too. God, who has been screening his calls for nine months, now shows up again, sending angels to hand out cigars and tell the Israelites that their problems are all solved. One angel comes upon some shepherds, happily buggering sheep before they bed down for the night, startling them, and giving one the idea for a screenplay called Brokeback Mountain.

Meanwhile, to the East, a group of Magi (or wise men, from magus, Latin for sorcerer, and root of magesty, magisterial, and magistrate) see a new star in the sky over Palestine. (Maybe it's the light from Jor-El's spaceship.) Auguring it a good omen, they set out on a journey which leads them to the very same unsanitary manger in which the little baby Jesus is lying. They leave gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh, valuable commodities then as well as now. (Side note: As the magi were from Persia, I often wonder if one of them could possibly have thought to bring some opium. God knows, Mary needed something for the pain, and that would be a Helluva sacrament. I might even reconsider my desire to go west and join a peyote cult. I'm just sayin'.) The magi depart, and despite the expensive gifts, Mary, Joseph, and Jesus live a life of poverty from then on.

In a development that will be strangely echoed in about 2009 years, the Israelites promptly forget all about their Messiah just because everything isn't fixed before the ink is dry on the birth certificate. (I was going to say "before the placenta was cold" but I've given you enough strange imagery to digest already.)

Luckily, all this took place right around the winter solstice, so that centuries later the Catholic Church could co-opt local fertility rites as its reach expanded.

Not much is reported about Jesus as he grows up, with the exception of an arcane tale about 12 year old Jesus hanging out with the temple priests in Jerusalem, something Holy Mother Church should have kept in mind in their hiring practices.

Fast forward another twenty years, and Jesus is a fully grown man, preaching a gospel of peace and humanity. What's worse, he's got long hair and doesn't work, the dirty hippie. Feeling that Jesus isn't showing the requisite level of respect for authority, the Romans decide to kill him, although Pilate tries to avoid responsibility by throwing it back to the Jews, thereby beginning two millenia of anti-semitism and causing the Holocaust. (Again, luckily, this happens right around the start of spring, allowing the Catholics to co-opt yet another fertility festival.)

The method of execution the Romans use to kill Jesus is crucifixion, a particularly gruesome method that actually causes death by suffocation, since so much pressure is placed on the chest, one cannot get enough oxygen. By the time he's dead, Jesus has a spear puncture in his side, a couple broken ribs, and two broken legs.

Three days later, he's up and around, ambulatory and looking to score some myrrh.

So there it is. Yeah, Christianity is way more believable.